In honor of last week’s trip to Las Vegas with Liz, this week is Vegas Week, where we learn about the history, sexy and sleazy, of Sin City, and I share my personal experience and advice for a visit.

If it’s your first trip to Vegas,and it’s summer, there’s something important you should know: in Vegas, a pool is not just a pool, and if you don’t do your research in advance, you could end up embarrassed and traumatized by your Vegas pool experience. As far as I can tell, there are three types of pool in Las Vegas, and each has its own rules. Here’s a brief run-down.

The Hotel Pool

We’ll start with the most benign and familiar. Every major Vegas resort has a basic hotel pool – though “basic” is probably not the right word for it. Vegas pools are massive, complex, and sometimes confusing. Depending on your resort, there may be a lazy river, a wave pool, a natural sand beach, fountains, water slides, and other features. No matter where you are there will certainly be a poolside bar charging more for one drink than the Luxor wants for a night’s stay, and there will almost certainly be one or more groups of drunks spending their entire day standing in the pool and drinking, getting progressively louder and more obnoxious. There will also be parents, possibly drunk, acting oblivious toward their children, who are running around the pool seeing things that are illegal on network television.  If it’s Thursday – Saturday, there will likely be a DJ spinning poolside.

What to Budget: Hotel pools are generally free to guests of that hotel, and often to guests of that resort chain (MGM-Mirage and Harrah’s/Bally’s are the two biggies). If you’re looking to get your buzz on, pre-game in your room (you’ll hear that a lot in Vegas). Food runs room service prices, and you’re not likely to find drinks priced less than $8-12 each – even a can of Miller Lite is often $10. Poolside chairs are free, though they can be scarce. Towels are also free. Daybeds and private cabanas are available at lower rates than at Ultra Pools, but will still run you $100 or more per day.

What to Expect: Guest behavior is tame compared with Ultra Pools and European Pools, but rowdier than you’d find at hotel pools in most other cities. Think Spring Break or Jersey Shore. While nudity is not permitted, expect to see some guests in bikinis (or trunks) so small and tight you wonder what the point is. Arrive early, especially if you have a large group, as chairs can fill up fast. Standard practice at a Vegas pool says that a towel or an article of clothing left on a chair means that chair is reserved (even if the owner is spending 3 solid hours standing around in the pool – sorry!), and an empty chair is an available chair.

What to Wear: Wear whatever you would normally wear to a pool or beach, as much or as little as that might be. Hotel pools are fairly free of judgement.

Notable examples: The Bellagio has a beautiful pool featuring picturesque fountains, and tends to attract a very attractive and pretty laid back crowd. Mandalay Bay and the Monte Carlo have wave pools, sand beaches, and lazy rivers. The Golden Nugget’s pool is built around a giant shark tank, including a water slide that passes (by way of a clear tube) through the shark tank itself.

The Ultra Pool

One of the most famous and unique Vegas experiences is the Ultra Pool, essentially a dance club constructed around a pool. For those who don’t know what they’re in for, an Ultra Pool can be a terribly intimidating experience – women generally arrive in designer swimsuits, dressed to the nines in heels and accessories, with their hair done and full makeup. Often attended by D-list celebrities who are paid to “host” their parties, Ultra Pools are often mobbed and always rowdy. You know those few groups of twenty-somethings at the hotel pool who were acting like they were on Spring Break? Yeah, that’s the entire shoulder-to-shoulder crowd at the Ultra Pool. Leave the kids at home, arrive with a buzz, and be either young and hot or long on patience.

What to Budget: Ultra Pools aren’t cheap to begin with – and the prices go up when they’re hosting a promoted “party,” usually on the weekends. Attractive women can often get in for free, but men (even in the company of those women) should expect to pay $20-40 for entrance on a slow day, and prices upwards of $100 to enter during a party. If you’re planning a trip to an ultra pool, try to get on a guest list – promoters often hang out at hotel pools on weekdays to try and drum up business, and you can find many of them on the web via Google. Even on the guest list, men should expect to pay, though the rates are greatly reduced. Oh, and guys, while I realize the idea of a bunch of drunk young ladies in bikinis competing for attention induces all kinds of slobber, you should know the same strictly enforced 1:1 ratio that applies at Vegas clubs also applies to Ultra Pools – for every guy who wants to be admitted, you need to have one girl in your group. Even if you’re on the guest list, the only way around the 1:1 rule is to drop a lot of money on bottle service or a cabana.

What to Expect: Think Spring Break at the Jersey Shore, times ten. Especially if it’s a “party,” the pool will be packed with drunken people standing shoulder-to-shoulder with drinks in their hands. There will be fights between guys, and probably a few fights between girls. In the mass of horny drunken twenty-somethings, attention-starved young ladies and men will be trying all kinds of stunts to try to stand out. If it’s a party, look for the D-list celeb (or celebs). They’ll be near the photographers, probably promoting a new reality show on E! network or Spike TV. If you’re a single woman, or a group of women, expect to be hit on relentlessly from the moment you walk into the club.

What to Wear: Dress to impress. Most women will be in heels and makeup, with full accessories and hair done. This is a crowd who will know on sight who designed your bikini, your shoes, your sunglasses, and your wrap. Guys have it easier with the clothing – a generic pair of board shorts will do fine – but should expect to be judged if they aren’t built like they walked out of an Abercrombie ad. Ultra Pools are the high school of Las Vegas, and they aren’t for the faint of heart or the socially anxious. Guys, do note that most Ultra Pools require swim attire, and you will be turned away if you’re wearing cutoff jeans or khakis.

Notable examples: Wet Republic, at the MGM Grand, is the definitive Ultra Pool. Newer additions like the Encore Beach Club at the Wynn and Nikki Beach at the Tropicana are catching on. Note that while some, like Wet Republic, are “Ultra Pools” every day, some pools have secret identities, and only take on their “Ultra Pool” character for weekend parties. If what you’re seeking is the debauchery and hormone-fueled mob described above (and I’m not judging – there are certainly days that’s what I’m after) make sure you’re going on the right day, so you aren’t disappointed by a gargantuan and empty pool.

The “European” Pool

At Las Vegas pools, “European” means “topless.” This trend began emerging a few years ago with a small number of clubs, and caught on fast. Now, many resorts have a smaller pool that is dedicated to topless bathing, though some are only “European” on weekdays. You should not expect the crowd at a “European” pool to regard toplessness with the casual attitude Europeans do – topless pools have anything goes reputations like swingers clubs, and even the most die-hard fans seem to think that actually entering the pool will immediately inflict upon the swimmer a host of venereal diseases.

What to Budget: Prices vary, and some have no cover charge at all, at least on weekdays. Women are generally free everywhere, while men should expect to pay $20-$40 to enter. Groups of single men are likely to be denied admission unless they’re buying a bottle at $1,000 or more. Many European Pools are on the small side, so chairs can be hard to come by. Chaise lounges, daybeds and cabanas will run between $70 and $1,000 a day, depending on the club.

What to Expect: While I cannot say from experience, there are comments all over the Internet that indicate European pools are very adult-oriented and tolerant. One has to assume that these types of clubs attract exhibitionists, and drunken exhibitionists have very few boundaries. Many people describe witnessing poolside sex acts. Crowds generally sound more laid back than at Ultra Pools, and children are absolutely not admitted.

What to Wear: If the rule at an Ultra Pool is dress to impress, then the rule at a European Pool is dress to undress. You might want to arrive in heels and accessories, but once you remove your cover-up, the skimpier the better. The pressure is not on the label, but on the physique – the crowd is less interested in the time you’ve spent at Neiman Marcus, and more interested in the time you’ve spent at LA Fitness.

Notable examples: Bare, at the Mirage, is one of the first and best known “European” Pool Clubs. Tao Beach, at the Venetian, has a good reputation. Rehab, at the Hard Rock, is open only on Sundays, and is generally regarded as one of the wildest (some would say “sleaziest”) pool clubs on the Strip. European Pools and Ultra Pools are not mutually exclusive – some parties, like Rehab, meet both definitions.

My brother and sister and I spent years searching YouTube for this commercial. Note that this is not an endorsement of Sprite – just an endorsement of the commercial.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOuc3nDFweY

Comic book movies can be broken into three categories: Watchable, Really Pretty Good, and Godawful. Fans of comic books and/or action movies will enjoy the Watchable ones, while Really Pretty Good movies can be enjoyed by almost anyone capable of suspending disbelief for two to three hours. Only the biggest die-hard fanboy in denial or brain-dead special effects addict can sit-through, let alone praise, films in the Godawful variety.

A few examples: Recent watchable comic book movies include the first Fantastic Four, The Incredible Hulk, Bryan Singer’s Superman, and the first two Spider-Man movies. Really Pretty Good selections include both Christopher Nolan Batman movies, the Bryan Singer X-Men movies, Iron Man 1 and maybe Iron Man 2. Ang Lee’s Hulk, X-Men 3, Spider-Man 3, Ghost Rider, and Fantastic Four 2 were Godawful.

I am pleased to say that X-Men: First Class is Really Pretty Good, though I can’t agree at all with the folks who are claiming it contends for “best comic book movie ever.”

What X:FC does well is to introduce a historic context and a retro-feel into the super-hero milieu, better than any movie except perhaps Brad Bird’s under-appreciated ”the Incredibles.” Comic books themselves are, after all, a bit of a holdover from a bygone era, and while most super-hero movies have planted a flag squarely in the “gritty hero” era of the late 20th Century, the Golden Age of comic book heroes was undeniably the decades following World War 2. Placing the origins of the X-Men against the backdrop of the Cuban Missile Crisis is inspired – it gives the franchise depth and history, allows the production to play with costuming and sets in a genre where costumes and sets have become hackneyed and boring, and permits the writers to blend bits of plot lines from X-Men comic books published 30 or 40 years apart. I award a few bonus points for managing to work in a couple of very brief cameos by former X-Men cast members Rebecca Romijn and Hugh Jackman that actually fit the narrative and make sense (provided, in Jackman’s case, that you know some background about the character). While my fanboy heart does break a little bit that they scrapped the original team according to comic book canon, they were able to pay tribute to some classic X-Men ignored by previous movies.

Does the movie make missteps? Yes, but they are mostly forgivable. There are a few major plot holes, and a number of small goofy moments that elicited laughs from the audience – like captioning a sprawling campus as “Secret CIA Base,” or Emma Stone walking into a meeting with a Russian military official dressed like an Austin Powers fem-bot. January Jones really seems to struggle with the whole “acting” thing, and once the X-Men ride into battle, even in the 1960s they still manage to dress in the genre-cliche black leather uniform, with a throwaway line about “g-forces” explaining the anachronistic costume choice.

Overall, though, the film represents very good choices on the parts of the filmmakers. The film’s greatest strength is that it takes its time and luxuriates a bit in the formation of the team. Often, super-hero origins occupy the first twenty minutes of the movie, moving out of the way quickly so we can get to the action faster. In this case, the movie really does occupy itself with the origin of the X-Men, managing to integrate a plot, action, and rising tension in between those origins instead of pushing them aside.  While the film is not revolutionary, it’s a solid effort, and one of the better movies you’re likely to see in the crowded super-hero genre.

Ruben Bolling at Tom the Dancing Bug posted some really interesting thoughts on the Coen Brothers’ True Grit and how it broke from the usual Coen Brothers mold. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I recommend you read it.  While you’re at it, poke around on the blog. Ruben is a brilliant cartoonist and I’m always excited when a new Tom the Dancing Bug cartoon is posted.

True Grit: The Inversion of a Coen Brothers Movie

[Credit to David Byrne for the post title]

Way back in November of 2007 I posted about the sordid saga of Ethan Reynolds, formerly of the model blog / community Brat Boy School (since shut down; internet wayback machine link here – caution, it loads slowly).  I’m seeing echoes of that experience in the recent downfall of “Hockey Kid Mikey,” an alleged gay high school hockey player promoted by gay web site OutSports who, after building a small empire on the web, turned out to probably be a 40-year-old gay hockey fan.

Both appear to be cases where some blogger used the magical power of the internet to pretend to be someone else.  In both cases the bloggers built an enormous base of enamored fans, and in both cases their success began to open doors outside the internet shortly before their fictitious persona fell apart.  In neither case were any actual crimes (apparently) committed, and yet in both cases the fans, once betrayed, called for blood.

As I was in 2007, I am fascinated by the response from fans.  It’s not as if this technique is old.  I’ve compared Ethan to nudie centerfolds, who always seem to find titillating answers to the same questionnaire, but the creation of a fictional persona is not limited to the vaguely pornographic.  Think of Dear Abby, or Poor Richard, or for that matter any talk-show host.  None of these people is really the person they present to the world.  Granted, that fact is disclosed to varying degrees, but I’d imagine there are many Letterman fans who would be outraged to discover the real person behind the television character he portrays.  This is, I would hazard to say, at least partly to blame for the outrage behind the most recent “Late Night Wars,” and why Jay Leno emerged as the villain while Conan’s popularity grew: cutthroat businessman is pretty far removed from the brand Jay has been selling his viewers, while  Conan’s brand is apparently not as far from his actual personality.

I understand that blogs are a personal means of expression, but the idea that one person can really connect with another via the internet is dubious.  The very nature of the internet is artificial; social networking sites are entirely based around the business of carefully crafting a personal brand.  Like the sci-fi trope of the “other-dimensional being extending into our dimension”, our online avatars represent exactly that portion of ourselves that we have decided to show to others.  Some people elect to make that portion decades younger, or more attractive, or more athletic, than the aging corporeal meat to which their consciousness is tethered.  I find it fairly depressing that so many people attach themselves emotionally to a being who is essentially just digital code, to the point where they become murderous or suicidal (as several of Mikey’s readers claimed to be) when Toto pulls back the curtain.

Not that I’m encouraging this kind of business practice.  When the actual human behind the “Hockey Kid Mikey” character started to notice his blog community growing out of control – when he started getting comments from gay teenagers who said his words saved them from suicide – that was probably the time to pull the rip-cord.  Delete the blog and vanish, or come clean about creating a false persona, rather than riding it out like George Costanza until your lies finally blow up in your face.

Ultimately, unless the writer is committing some kind of crime (and I stress here that, so far at least, there is no evidence of any crime) then the onus must be on the reader to approach everything on the internet with skepticism.  How different is emotionally attaching oneself to an invisible blogger from believing the latest chain email about how microwaved water causes cancer or Barrack Obama is planning to give Texas back to Mexico?   The internet is, more than anything else, a colossal work of collaborative fiction.  Historical fiction, perhaps, but fiction.  Anyone who approaches it otherwise is going to get burned.

For my part, I have a confession to make: I am not as smart as I come across on my blog.  The crafting of each post includes frequent visits to Wikipedia, and some sentences are even revised before publication.  Speak with me in person and you’ll quickly notice I struggle to recall the names of the most major historical figures, I confuse the dates of major events, and I giggle every time Noam Chomsky is mentioned because I get a mental image of a pac-man like monster devouring everything he sees (I call him CHOMP-sky).  I do promise, however, that I am the person I claim to be.  At least the good parts.