• First, the cardinal rule of Las Vegas: Wear. A. Watch. Or carry a cell phone, but at least bring some means of telling time. Clocks do not exist on the Vegas Strip. Casinos have no windows, and once the drinks start flowing and you start putting money in that bright and shiny machine, hours can vanish faster than you would believe. Wear a watch.
• Second, the cardinal rule of drinking in Las Vegas: if you’re going drinking, anywhere outside the casino floor, pre-game in your room. Drinks on the casino floor are free – just remember to tip your waitress $1 per drink if you ever want to see her again. Do you know how much drinks cost anywhere outside the casino? GO BACK TO THE CASINO, that’s how much. You can pick up beer and liquor at many stores along the strip – my favorite was the CVS just north of Monte Carlo. Please note: if you are driving, DO NOT PREGAME. We at Keelty Labs have zero tolerance for those who drive with any amount of alcohol whatsoever in their bloodstream.
• Thirdly, if you plan to gamble – or even if you don’t plan, exactly, but this is your first or second trip, please establish some kind of limit for yourself. Don’t be one of those people being dragged out by their friends, or one of those people crying about how you can’t afford your plane ticket home. Those people exist. Bring your gambling cash, and leave your wallet in your room. Vegas is designed to take all of your money away as fast as possible. You need to protect yourself.

Okay, with those three rules out of the way, on to some more fun touring suggestions…

• The Eiffel Tower Restaurant at Paris, Las Vegas offers a beautiful view of the strip, and is arguably the very best vantage point from which to watch the Bellagio fountain show (though you won’t be able to hear the music). Prices for lunch are reasonable, but if you’re looking for a really cheap show, go up for a drink between lunch and dinner hours. The restaurant is virtually empty and the bartending staff is friendly. Note that the Eiffel Tower Restaurant and the Tower Ride are not the same thing – they are accessed from different elevators from the Paris casino floor.
• If you arrive at McCarran airport during peak arrival hours (especially Friday evenings) the line to wait for a taxi cab can often be an hour or more. You’ll actually get to the Strip faster by taking one of the shuttle buses – a staff person at the shuttle door can direct you to the best shuttle for your resort.
• Similarly, the taxi line at the trendiest and most popular casinos – like Caesar’s and the Bellagio – can stretch to a half hour or more at times. To get a cab faster, take the short walk to a less-fashionable casino, like Bally’s or the Monte Carlo, and shave that wait down to five or ten minutes.
• For fitness nuts who need to work in a run, the Vegas Strip can be a great running route – provided you start at the right time of day. The strip will start to fill up (and heat up) between 9 and 10 AM most mornings, so if you get out before then you’ll have generally clear sidewalks. It’s 4 miles, almost exactly, from the (recently closed) Sahara at the top of the strip to Mandalay Bay at the bottom. Calculate accordingly.
• When touring the strip on foot, you can avoid the desert heat by using passageways between many casinos. Mandalay Bay, Luxor, and Excalibur are linked, as are Bally’s and Paris, Las Vegas. These passages can be hard to find, so don’t be afraid to ask staff for directions. There are free trams that will transport you between Mandalay Bay and Excalibur (only trains leaving Mandalay Bay stop at Luxor), between the Bellagio, City Center, and Monte Carlo, and between Mirage and Treasure Island. There is also the monorail, which is not cheap, but provides quick and easy transportation up and down the west side of the strip. To find these trams, you often need to walk to the back of the resort – again, don’t be afraid to ask. The Deuce bus runs up and down the strip, but never having traveled that way, I can’t give much advice. Lastly, when on foot, remember that many intersections on the Strip may only be crossed via footbridge, several of which may be accessed directly from the second floor of the nearest Casino. If you descend to sidewalk level before exiting, you will likely have to take an escalator back to the bridge.
• A handy list of free Las Vegas attractions can be found here. I highly recommend making time for the lion exhibit at the MGM Grand (trainers keep the cats active most of the day, and sight lines are fantastic) and for the famous Bellagio fountain show, which is stunning and usually classy – depending on which song comes on. The erupting volcano outside the Mirage is worth watching, and the Sirens of TI show outside Treasure Island has special effects worthy of a Disney park – if you can tolerate the pre-recorded cheeseball dialogue and hackneyed storyline. See the list for others that may appeal to you.
• Several casinos are worth touring just for the ambience, especially on weekend evenings when they start pulling out all the stops to grab attention. Caesar’s and Paris are hard to beat for atmosphere, though I recommend Luxor or MGM Grand if you want more of a dark, sexy lounge feel. If you’re looking for class, Bellagio is beautiful, as is Mandalay Bay, but if conspicuous consumption and expensive interior design is your bag, check out the Wynn or the Encore. Fans of classic Vegas flash and dazzle should try Fremont Street, the Flamingo, or the Riviera, and those who desire to feel like they’re experiencing some terrible acid trip should rush to Circus Circus. Mirage is the only casino with an indoor rainforest, which can be quite relaxing, and while the inside of New York New York strikes me as dull and unimaginative, the outside is quite impressive. Lastly, if you’re looking for a bunch of old people and no discernable theme beyond “here’s a room full of casino games,” you want Bally’s.
• Speaking of casino themes, some people might enjoy touring the casinos that have attempted to distance themselves from their theming because it skewed to a demographic too young (Treasure Island) or because it was incredibly racist and offensive (Imperial Palace). Lest I should forget, Excalibur is perfect for those who (a) always wanted a casino based around the Medieval Times restaurant chain, or (b) desire to feel baffled and angry at how many parents bring young children to Las Vegas.

Excalibur is also home to a really pervy Spongebob who will leer at your can(s).

• Lastly, I have a request for guys: guys, please throw on something presentable. From what I’ve seen, it’s likely your girlfriend has squeezed into a slinky cocktail dress and heels that will be killing her within the first ten minutes, spent an hour on her hair and makeup, and agonized over picking just the right accessories. It’s a Vegas thing. Each evening, the city fills with gorgeous women dressed to the nines, trying to make the most of their vacation – and on their arms, usually, is some schlub in baggy jorts, sneakers, and a rumpled TapouT t-shirt. Guys, have you noticed that in all those Vegas movies you love so much–Swingers, The Hangover, Ocean’s Eleven through Twenty Seven–the men are all wearing suits, or at the very least, a jacket? Throw on a shirt with a collar. Hell, go all out and put on a sport coat and a pair of slacks. You’ll feel like you’re Vince Vaughn or George Clooney [as if!] and I promise your girlfriend [or boyfriend - but I really doubt the same-sex couples need this advice] will appreciate it.

Most importantly, in my opinion, remember that Las Vegas is a unique display of human opulence, the closest thing the U.S. has to a pleasure dome (except, perhaps, for New Orleans) and there’s a ton of adventure to be had just walking around and seeing what the Strip, and the city surrounding, have to offer. Vegas is one of the few places in America where adults can unapologetically be adults, without worrying about offending someone’s kids [Except all those irresponsible parents who bring their children out to the Strip - what the fuck are they doing there? It's like half past midnight, what are those kids doing here? There's a vending machine full of free naked hooker catalogs, and people on every corner shoving little hooker flyers in your hands...and they figured they should bring the kids? Get a goddamn sitter, already! Or leave the kids with grandma, or, you know, acknowledge that there are consequences to your choices and, I don't know, maybe don't come to Vegas. Oh, they make me so angry!]

If your entire Vegas experience consists of staring at a slot machine or a table dealer, drinking the night away in a dark casino, and sleeping off the hangover poolside the next morning, you’re missing out. Take a little time to drag yourself out and see what billions upon billions in mob money and Wall Street junk bonds built for your pleasure.

No series on Las Vegas would be complete without addressing the monster that built the city. All you need to know about gambling is summed up by Robert DeNiro (as Ace Rothstein) in Casino:

“In the casino, the cardinal rule is to keep them playing and to keep them coming back. The longer they play, the more they lose, and in the end, we get it all.”

Personally, I’m not a big gambler. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s that I can’t afford to lose a lot of money. My usual system is to walk into the casino with some amount–say, $100–and right off the bat I write that money off as lost. On occasion I get caught up in the possibility of winning (which is just about the most dangerous thing one can do) but in general I look for a game I can play for a long time at minimal losses, and I figure the free drinks (okay, $1 drinks if you count the tip) offset my losses.

I’m a fan of Blackjack, though I’m not quick enough at it yet to play at a table, so I stick to video machines. Beginners can pick up “win cards” at many shops in Vegas that instruct you on which bet to make to reduce the casino’s advantage to about 1%. The cards take some of the mystery out of the game, but for a beginner they can keep you playing longer on a small investment. Video poker is also a good way to play for a long time on a little bit of money, as long as you keep your bets small and you have a rough idea which cards to hold.

I have been known to employ the Martingale strategy, particularly when playing Blackjack. Martingale is simple – you start with a low bet, say a quarter or a dollar, and every time you lose, you double your previous bet. When you win, you go back to your original low bet. Theoretically, no matter how long a losing streak lasts, the first win recoups all losses. Playing this system in a game where you have approximately 50-50 odds, like Blackjack (played correctly) or Roulette when your bets are only red-black or odd-even, will often allow you to play longer. It is very important to note, however, that Martingale is not a guaranteed winning strategy. Quite to the contrary, in any Vegas casino it is a guaranteed loser, and the longer you play the worse your odds become. There are a number of reasons for this, but it takes far too long to explain, so either take my word for it or look elsewhere for explanations. Martingale is neither illegal nor discouraged in Vegas casinos, precisely because the casinos know what Ace Rothstein said: in the end, they get it all.

In general I avoid slot machines. I’ll do a few pulls here or there for entertainment. That feeling when you drop a dollar and the machine goes crazy and spits out $10 or $20 or $50 is an incredible rush, and I’ve had it happen enough times to send me back occasionally, but your odds are so bad at slots that I generally steer clear. I give nickel and penny slots a wide berth. No one, not the highest paid technician at NASA, not Steven Hawking if he were taking those clear pills from “Limitless,” could possibly figure out what the hell is going on when you spin the nickel slots. First of all, that name is a complete lie. Yes, you can bet a single nickel, but it’s impossible to win if you bet that low. Instead, you end up betting $5 on one spin, but you don’t know it because the machine calls it a credit instead of a nickel. Then you spin the wheel, the machine goes apeshit with bells and whistles and lights tells you you’re a BIG WINNER, only to reveal that you just won $1.25 on your $5 spin – in other words, you lost $3.75. Yet you’re a winner. I guess because it didn’t keep all your money, but gave you a tiny fraction back. I avoid those machines at all costs.

As for table games, I’m not there yet. I’ve seen what happens to blackjack players who make the wrong call. They become the pariah, responsible for everyone’s bad luck, and are made to sit in shame for the next ten minutes. Poker, the one game where the casino doesn’t care if you win or lose (because they get their cut anyway) has become the domain of the biggest douchebags America has ever manufactured. It’s the one thing dudes see on ESPN that requires absolutely no physical effort or athletic ability to attempt yourself – you simply drive to a casino, throw on a baseball cap and a pair of sunglasses, and fix a grim stare across the table at a bunch of strangers like you’re played by Ron Perlman. Even if I could clean up at some of those tables – and maybe I could, I’m not a bad poker player – I don’t need the grief.

Then there’s craps, which seems like a simple enough game – you roll some dice, and the rules about winning and losing are simple enough. There’s a sense of community around a craps table. There’s a lot of cheering and back-slapping, and everyone seems to either win together or lose together. That’s very appealing – and then you look at the table itself, and you realize there is no way you will ever learn how to play this game. A craps table is demarcated into what appears to be a map of the Balkans, with each tribal zone dedicated to a different kind of bet. They have clear, self-explanatory names like “COME,” “DON’T PASS BAR,” and “DON’T COME.” Four or more dealers work the table together, and between them and the gamblers the stacks of chips move so fast it’s like watching the floor of a stock exchange. Craps is likely the most intimidating game on the casino floor.

The one table I do occasionally approach is roulette. Once or twice a trip, usually after a few too many free drinks, I start to feel lucky and I put a big bet (which to me means like $20) on one color, either red or black. The result, invariably, looks like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe5rZFCiLsA

In the end, my best advice about gambling is to kiss that money goodbye before it ever hits the casino floor. Think of the free drinks as offsetting your bets, and remember that no way, no how, can you beat the casino – at least, not without cheating, and I’d discourage anyone who likes having thumbs from doing that. If you somehow manage to find yourself up by a significant margin, that’s when it’s time to push back from the table and call it a day. Remember that they didn’t build those billion-dollar casinos by letting people walk out with money in their pockets, and remember what Ace Rothstein said: The longer you play, the more you lose, and in the end, the casino gets it all.

“The Circus-Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. This is the sixth Reich. The ground floor is full of gambling tables, like all the other casinos . . . but the place is about four stories high, in the style of a circus tent, and all manner of strange County-Fair/Polish Carnival madness is going on up in this space.”

- Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

When I toured the Vegas Strip in August/September 2010, I didn’t make it to the north end of the Strip. I saw Fremont Street, and visited nearly every casino from the Mirage south to Mandalay Bay, but I missed the Wynn, the Sahara, the Riviera, and one other. Upon my return in August 2011, my must-do list began with one item: to visit Circus Circus. I was very sad to have missed it the first time – from the exterior, Circus Circus has all the appeal of a roadside attraction, where the proprietors may or may not have a stack of lye-powdered bodies stacked in the crawlspace. The concept of a casino with trapeze artists flying over the heads of blue-haired ladies as they pull slots handles is enticing, and I had a few vivid memories from the film adaptation of Fear and Loathing, which involved an angry badger, to further motivate me.

While I can’t say that I personally saw anything that made me think Third Reich, and I was free of any perception-altering drugs save for a couple of gin-and-tonics, I can say honestly that Circus Circus is one of the most uncomfortable places I have ever been – and not in the sense that the temperature was off, or the seating was unpleasant, or anything of the sort. It was uncomfortable in the way Lovecraft describes the city of R’lyeh, built from some strange and foreign geometry that made me unsettled almost from the moment I walked through the front door.

Not to mention that I was utterly disappointed by one fact: yes, there are trapeze, but they are not above the heads of the slots players. In my mind, Circus Circus was a cavernous space in which the slots and table games existed on the floor while dozens of trapeze artists and tightrope walkers flew in perpetual motion just above their heads, with perhaps a net to protect them. Instead, the slots are banished beneath a low ceiling, and there is a single set of trapeze positioned above a small stage, which is suspended in a bizarre limbo cavity at the heart of the building. Above the stage is the midway – which appears to be like any carnival midway, except that the games run in a circle around the third-story perimeter of this unnatural place. To one side is the carousel, situated on the second floor above a bank of slots, which when rotating gives the impression that the walls of the building have somehow begun to slither.

The whole place is painted dark purple, and when performers are on stage the stark stage lighting casts spectral shadows on the darkened ceiling. Add to this that the performances Liz and I caught – a rope act, followed by a pair of quick-change artists (see video below – and take special note of the band members, who may or may not be high priests of Shub-Niggurath) made me feel as if we had somehow fallen through a portal into some 1980′s Soviet republic, and I would not have been the least surprised if that stage hosted a black mass, or perhaps a public hanging. Liz and I beat it the hell out of Circus Circus about as fast as we could go. We didn’t even make it to Adventuredome, the recently-added domed amusement park behind the Casino, where I have to assume two man enter, one man leave.

With all that said, I have to admit to a certain affection for the place. There are precious few remnants of Vegas’s tacky 1970s past remaining on the Strip – they’ve all been replaced by colossal 1990s resorts that are only beginning to come across as tacky – and there are very few places on Earth where a human can feel so instinctively out of proportion. I plan to go back on my next trip, assuming some wretched dark thing from the beyond has not by then revealed the true purpose behind the building’s dark geometry, torn its way up through the desert beneath, and claimed Las Vegas as the seat from which it will rule over all of humanity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgyKvWVNXkU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-MC6ObDexU

Can we just please get a round of applause for a girl who not only models, but also finished that whole plate - and went back for seconds?

The very first place Liz and I went in Las Vegas (after our hotel, of course, we did arrive at 1:30 AM) was the breakfast buffet. On the short list of things Vegas is known for, no doubt, is the food–and while the buffet prices might not be as rock-bottom as they used to be, the buffets are still certainly something to be experienced. On our first trip, we went straight for the dessert table, and I put away a frosted blueberry scone before I even grabbed my first plate. Liz had her first experience with monkey bread–much to my surprise, as it’s always been a Keelty family staple–and I don’t think she’ll ever be the same.

I won’t spend a lot of time with Vegas buffet tips, since they’re much the same as any other buffet, but I’ll do a quick run-down: scout the whole buffet before you fill up your first plate; take small portions of everything that looks good, so you can see what actually tastes good and go up for more; don’t fill up on soft drinks and bread when there’s better tasting (and more economically efficient) food available; and if you’re one of those people trying not to be “irresponsible” (and really, what the hell are you doing in a buffet in the first place, then?) grab a small bread plate instead of a big dinner plate, and fill up on veggies first.

What you do need to know about Vegas buffets is: (1) There are a LOT of them, and (2) They are NOT all created equal. A buffet meal on the Strip can run you anywhere from around $12 (for breakfast at the Monte Carlo, for instance) up to almost $40 (for the gourmet dinner at the Bellagio) per person. If you go off the strip, you can get prices even lower. Many mid-range buffets offer discounts in the free coupon books that are ubiquitous around Vegas, and the buffet has a reputation for being one of the easiest activities to get “comped” on based on your casino play.

The reason all these photos are of Liz eating is because I had the camera - it's not meant to suggest that I didn't gorge myself stupid as well.

One warning: unless you feel like sitting through a couple hours of timeshare presentation, avoid the guys wandering around the hotels and casinos offering you free shows, free meals, and free gambling. On the flip side, if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t mind sitting through a couple hours of a high-pressure timeshare pitch, you can pick up some pretty sweet discounts for your Vegas trip.

There are plenty of sites dedicated to reviewing Vegas buffets, so I won’t pretend to have their level of expertise. I have personally eaten at three buffets: the breakfast at the Luxor was delicious, but I do think breakfast is pretty hard meal to screw up. Nothing especially exotic, but their apple-smoked bacon was some of the best I’ve ever had, their apple-filled crepes were delicious, and I’ve already mentioned the monkey bread and the frosted pastries. Oh, and I’ll also plug the scrambled eggs with chorizo, which was awesome.

On my last Vegas trip I ate at the Carnival World Buffet at the Rio resort, which my family had heard consistently won “best buffet” among locals. I have to say, I can see why – the variety of ethnic foods was impressive, including at least Mexican, Japanese, Chinese, American, Italian, and Thai, and offering a few more exotic options. I highly recommend it. On this most recent trip, I also tried the Bellagio on a Friday for their gourmet buffet. While the food options were more limited than the Rio, the quality was top notch – smoked salmon, whole roasted quail, crab legs, Kobe beef, Beef Wellington, jumbo shrimp cocktail, and lots more. My shellfish allergy, however, put a fair percentage of the options off-limits. If you’re a big fan of shrimp, Kobe beef, or crab legs, I’d say it’s worth the high price. I’ll also corroborate another reviewer, who said the desserts look much better than they taste – though they don’t exactly taste bad.

Wherever you go, arrive early. Wait times for Vegas buffets can become legendary – we waited in line for the Bellagio buffet for almost twenty minutes, and when we left the line looked to be an hour or more. Oh, and one other tip: try to know your limit. Poor Liz smiled her way through the entire Bellagio experience, and ten minutes later could barely walk from stomach cramps. It took almost two hours and half a package of Pepto Bismol to bring her back to operating capacity. “All you can eat” is just an expression, folks, and that last fudge walnut brownie isn’t worth losing half a day of precious vacation time.

Las Vegas is so well known for the Vegas Strip (which isn’t even technically in Las Vegas, but that’s a subject for another post) that many tourists miss out on the totally different adventures to be had within a short drive. Many know about the Hoover Dam, the project that gave birth to Sin City (as a sort of pleasure dome for the many dam workers who’d been taken away from their wives and families and sent to the middle of the desert), but few take the time to appreciate the wild areas that are only a short drive from the Strip.

An hour to the northeast, at the top of Lake Mead, is the Valley of Fire, a beautiful desert you’ve seen in plenty of movies, where tourists can observe petroglyphs left by indigenous people three thousand years ago. In the summer, though, when the Valley of Fire demonstrates its name, you may be more interested in escaping the heat. An hour northwest of Las Vegas is the Spring Mountains, better known for their highest peak and its namesake city, Mount Charleston. These mountains feature over 50 miles of recreational trails–some gradual enough for a beginning in tennis shoes, others suited more for advanced hikers–and because the base of most of these trails is 5,000 feet higher in elevation than Las Vegas, temperatures are generally about 20 degrees cooler than on the Strip.

Getting to the Spring Mountains is easy, and parking is plentiful. To find a trail suited for you, I recommend the comprehensive guide at BirdAndHike.com – but be warned, cell phone reception is very spotty in the mountains, so it’s wise to plan ahead and print out all the directions you’ll need before you go.

Liz and I atop a small peak along the Bristlecone Trail

Because they are isolated by desert all around, the Spring Mountains are sort of an ecological island, and are home to more than 30 endemic (found nowhere else) species of plant and animal. The Charleston Mountain chipmunk is especially cute. When I climbed Cathedral Rock with my father and brother there were several of these little critters who begged us for our trail mix. They appear to be drawn by the crinkling sound of a plastic bag.

There are other animals as well – mountain lions and bobcats that you’re unlikely (thankfully) to see, as well as elk and deer. On this most recent trip, Liz and I were nearing the end of the Bristlecone Trail, passing through an aspen forest in a valley area, when we stumbled on four wild horses. They seemed fairly unafraid of us, even a bit curious, and let us get within about twenty yards. I had the bright idea to offer one an apple, never thinking that a horse that grew up in the mountains near Las Vegas might never have seen an apple. When I tossed the apple, the horse spooked and they ran off.

The Spring Mountains are also one of the few places you can see living bristlecone pine trees, the oldest living things on Earth (that we know of). Some of the oldest trees in these mountains have lived nearly FIVE THOUSAND years. They grow and reproduce so slowly, in fact, that biologists are concerned there may not be enough living trees to sustain their population, and they will slowly pass into extinction.

With all the booze and glitz and flesh on display on the Strip, I highly recommend taking a day to get out in the wilderness, detox, and reconnect with nature. Even if you aren’t the hiking sort, just driving through the Spring Mountains can be stunning. There are several scenic overlooks from which you can survey hundreds of miles of beautiful desert, and I’d recommend that even the laziest driver stop at Robber’s Roost, a very short (though steep) trail that takes you to an actual box-canyon hideout used by genuine cowboy-era bandits.

At the upper trailhead of the Bristlecone Trail, just about to start the 6+ mile circuit