Soccer players kissing, blah blah blah

Gary Neville kisses Paul Scholes

Paul Scholes and Gary Neville play soccer, professionally apparently, in a country called–wait, let me look this up–England.  Except there it’s called “football,” which I assume explains the unexplained popularity of soccer.  The British have apparently spent decades sitting around very large stadiums watching a bunch of men stand around an enormous field, wondering when the Steelers were to arrive.

Anyway, so on Saturday Scholes scored a very important goal to win a very important game, and Neville gave him a kiss, and people’s minds were BLOWN.  Bunches of newspapers in the UK ran kiss-related headlines.  Most were favorable, but still.  Someone should remind the UK that they are European, which in the US is a word that means “gayer than gay.”

But I digress.  The whole reason I took to this blog is because I love, love, LOVE the response from Guardian sports blogger Barry Glendenning, whose response is that these two guys are not nearly hot enough for a PDA.  Via Outsports (emphasis mine):

That kiss was wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. And before you scuttle off down to the comments section to level accusations of homophobia at us, don’t bother. If it was two ripped and dashing footballers – some Matt Taylor-on-Jason Roberts action, for example – we’d have no problem with such ostentatious public displays of man-love and possibly be even a little turned on. Hell, even if Gary Neville had just planted one hand on either side of Paul Scholes’s head and laid a shock-and-awe black-and-white movie style smacker on his lips, that would have been fine too. But it was the tenderness of the moment, the cupping of the face, the tilting of the heads, the eyes closed expectantly, the blur of ginger hair and wispy not-quite-beardness in yesterday’s sport sections that put us off our lunch. Down with this sort of thing. Careful now.

Purely in the interest of journalism, I did the research, and it appears these are the two eye-pleasing gentlemen Glendenning would rather see locking lips on the turf:

Matt Taylor, UK soccer star and hottie Matt Taylor

Jason Roberts, UK soccer star and also a hottieJason Roberts

Also, here’s a photo of Cristiano Ronaldo, who should be cast in any responsible soccer makeout fantasy.  I have to think Glendenning left him out only because Ronaldo’s team is in Spain.

Cristiano Ronaldo should be cast in any responsible soccer makeout fantasy

I agree with Glendenning 100%.  He is my prophet. This standard should not apply only to sports, but to all of global culture.  There should be some kind of prohibition against ugly people expressing affection, talking about their disgusting relationships, or just in any way publicly sexualizing themselves. Attractive people can continue making out in public and going about mostly-naked.  Frankly I don’t think there’s enough of that.

This isn’t just a personal thing, this is about advancing equality.  I mean seriously, which of these two couples do YOU think are more likely to get ENDA passed and DADT repealed?

Bears in love

Hot boys kissing

For years I have kept my views quiet, but now that I see others like myself, I will raise my voice.  I am an uglyphobe, and I am not ashamed of it.


  1. If the two pretty boys could stop making out and leave the circuit parties long enough to advocate for anything, I suppose it is possible. While not all pretty people are shallow, a fair number are. The rest of us who are not so pretty have the time and often the money to do the hard work while the narcissistic boys are spending all their time away from their careers in retail, restaurants, and fashion design school partying and dancing like little grasshoppers before winter’s chill takes them on their 30th birthday.

  2. Rob, my first instinct was to agree with you, but then I had to ask – is it that all of the “not-so-pretty” are participating? Or that no one notices when the unpretty don’t participate?


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