A Republican Bill of Business Rights
This is a work in progress. It has not yet been ratified (at least not officially), and as such suggested amendments are welcome.
ARTICLE ONE
A business proprietor shall have the right to refuse service to any patron for any reason
(a) except when the reason is that the patron is carrying a loaded firearm;
(1) unless the patron is African-American.
ARTICLE TWO
An employer shall have the right to fire any employee for any reason
(a) except when the reason is opposition to same-sex marriage
ARTICLE THREE
A business shall be free to operate independent of government regulation
(a) except record labels, movie studios, publishers, broadcasters, and anyone else who might print or publish dirty words or ladynipples.
ARTICLE FOUR
A for-profit business is a religious institution, and entitled to religious freedom
(a) except Muslim businesses, which shouldn’t be built where they might offend Christians
(b) abortion clinics, contraceptive providers, and porn shops: see Article 4(a)
ARTICLE FIVE
A business, as a person, has a right to free and unrestricted speech
(a) provided said speech takes the form of:
(1) English
(2) Campaign contributions or advertising
ARTICLE SIX
In a time of national crisis, a corporation has the right to control what the public knows without interference from the press or regulatory bodies
ARTICLE SEVEN
When it is good for profits, a business may seize property from unincorporated persons
ARTICLE EIGHT
Nothing in this enumerated list should be interpreted to limit the rights of businesses in the quest for ever-expanding profits.
Photo credit: James Manners. Used under Creative Commons license.
